Razor: "WHAUGH! Woah, hey, we're back! Because Adam's an indecisive twat."

Jack: "Hey, that's mean."

Razor: "So uh... What do these two have in common?"

Jack: "......Um... They wear black...?"

Razor: "...Good enough. Bayonetta, the left eye of the world."

Jack: "And Lobo, the main man."

Razor: "I'm Razor and this guy's Jack."

Jack: "And we're here to analyze everything they've got to determine the winner... of a Death Battle."

BAYONETTA

BACKGROUND:

Birth Name: Cereza
Born: December 19th, 1411
Age: 500+ years.
Weight: It's rude to ask a lady that.
Winner of the 2015 Smash Ballot.
Is rather... kinky in her line of work.

Jack: "For centuries, there had been a fierce rivalry between two clans: The Lumen Sages and the Umbra Witches. These two clans had a strict rule with one another: Do not have a children who was half sage and half witch, for this child would bring forth Jubileus, and therefor the destruction of the universe."

Razor: "Wow! Now that's a great way to prevent unprotected sex! So what happened then?"

Jack: "The Lumen Sage Balder and Umbra Witch Rosa had a child named Cereza."

Razor: "God damn it guys, you had one rule to follow! ONE RULE!"

Jack: "Naturally, once Cereza was discovered, her presence created a war between the two clans."

Razor: "But, Cereza's childhood friend Jeanne, who understandably did not want the universe to end, sealed Cereza away in a coffin at the bottom of a lake for a five hundred year power nap. She woke up with no memory of her past, but that didn't matter because all she wanted to do was kick angel ass and lick lollipops. And she's all outta lollipops. Though I would definitely give her mi-"

ABILITIES:

Superhuman strength, speed, and durability
Witch Time
-Acts as a counter.
-Temporarily slows down time before she can take a hit.
-Can be stacked upon each other.
The Beast Within
-Can transform into a panther, snake, crow, swarm of bats, etc.

Jack: "-BEING an Umbra Witch, Bayonetta is much stronger, faster, and tougher than the average human could ever hope to be, and also has access to various forms of magic. One of her most notable abilities is her Witch Time, in which she temporarily slows down time around her just before getting hit by an attack."

Razor: "She can also transform into animals, like a panther for running faster, a snake for swimming, a crow for flying, obviously, and so much more!"

ARSENAL:

Love is Blue
-Favorite set of handguns.
-Wields four at a time, two she holds and two strapped to her boots.
Onyx Roses
-Pair of sawn-off shotguns that contain the souls of fairies.
Shuraba
-A soul-stealing magical katana.
Durga
-Pair of clawed gauntlets that channel fire and electricity.
Odette
-Pair of demonic ice skates that channel ice.
Lt. Col Kilgore
-Pair of rocket launchers that can be wielded like tonfas.
Pillow Talk
-Basically a royalty-free lightsaber.
Kafka
-Cursed bow and arrow.
Chernobog
-Triple-bladed scythe.
Takemikazuchi
-Large hammer that can generate earthquakes.
Salamandra
-Pair of chainsaw swords.

Razor: "And on top of that, Bayonetta also LOOOOOVES her some weapons, effectively making her a girl after my own heart. She has a katana blade that steals the souls of it's victims, a hammer that can create earthquakes, chainsaw swords, freaking ICE SKATES, and a Lightsaber on top of that. ...I know it's got a different name, but, c'mon, it's obviously a Lightsaber. I mean just look at it!"



Razor: "They didn't even try."

Jack: "But, her favorite set of weapons are four handguns called Love is Blue, two of which are stationed on her feet. And, if you think she just switches between them like a normal person, you're wrong, because she actually uses them consecutively."

Razor: "...How does she fire guns strapped to the back of her feet?"

Jack: "...Mmmagic."

Razor: "Good enough for me."

SUMMONS:

Gomorrha
-Demonic fire-breathing dragon.
-Can easily obliterate angels in a single chomp.
Madama Butterfly
-Bayonetta's primary demon partner.
-Commonly summoned through her Wicked Weaves.
-Can summon her wings for gliding.
Queen Sheba
-The strongest infernal demon.
-Summoning her alone kills most Umbra Witches.
Diomedes
-A demonic unicorn with a sword for a horn.

Jack: "But, that's not all. Bayonetta actually has connections to the demon world and can summon various beasts to finish off her foes. At the expense of her getting naked due to the demons being made of hair... which covers her entire body."

Razor: "...Oookay, the sexiness factor's kind of wearing off now. Her body is covered by hair...? So like, does she have to comb her clothes? Does she do laundry at a hair salon? How-"

Jack: "Again, most notable of hers being Gomorrha, a gigantic dragon, and Madama Butterfly, who is powerful enough to destroy island-sized meteors with her punches."

FEATS:

Has held her own against godlike beings such as Jubileus and Aesir.
Shrugged off getting shot in the face by a bullet tough enough to shoot through steel.
Can headbutt entire buildings and send them flying.
Madama Butterfly shattered an island-sized meteor with a single punch.
Caught a massive satellite with her legs and threw it back at Aesir.
Reacted to bullets being shot from directly behind her.

Jack: "But even without her summons, Bayonetta is still very impressive. She's strong enough to send buildings and jets flying, can react to almost any attack, and has even held her own against Jubileus, the creator of the universe."

Razor: "Who she defeated by doing a fusion dance with Jeanne and punching her STRAIGHT ACROSS THE ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM! GOD DAMN SHE IS SAVAGE!"

WEAKNESSES:

Overconfident.
Can only carry a couple of weapons at a time.
Infernals aren't very durable due to being made out of hair.
Will be sent straight to Inferno if she is killed.
Nerfed in Smash like her name was Greninja.

Razor: "But, Bayonetta's not perfect... Pretty damn close to it, but no cigar."

Jack: "She is overconfident to a fault... not that she doesn't have a good reason to be... And despite having god-like reaction speed, she's not above being caught off guard. Plus, while her Infernals are powerful, they're not very durable, due to being made out of hair. But those flaws don't contradict Bayonetta's astounding feats."

Razor: "Bayonetta is one wicked witch who I would totally accept a spanking from! I just want her to dominate me... DOMINATE ME SO BAD, MY LOVE...!"

Jack: "..."

Razor: "...I have my fantasies, you have yours."

(Bayonetta: "All right, let's dance baby!")

LOBO

BACKGROUND:

Real Name: Unpronouncable
Species: Czarnian
Height: 6'4"
Weight: 305 lbs. (138 kg)
Alias: "The Main Man"

Razor: "A wise man once said, 'in order to achieve badassery, one must break from the norms and not be afraid to kill some fools'. No one embodies these words more than Lobo."

Jack: "...Nobody ever said that."

Razor: "Yeah! I did, last week when I slayed the demon queen!"

Jack: "That was Mrs. Tutterberry! And you didn't slay her, you just threw a rock at one of her cats and got mauled by it!

Razor: "All right, back on topic."

Jack: (Sighs) "The Czarnians were once a peaceful race, who intended no harm to anyone else."

Razor: "Until Lobo was born, said 'fuck that noise', and committed mass genocide on his own planet!"

Jack: "That's... not too far off actually. At birth, his own mother went insane just at the sight of him, and he was given the name Lobo because, to the Czarnians, it translates to 'one who devours your entrails and thoroughly enjoys it'."

Razor: "Hey, that was my cousin's legally born name! Lobo began his homicidal tendencies when he created an army of mutant alien scorpions to commit genocide on the planet. It was a science project he gave himself an A+ on. Since then Lobo's been roaming the galaxy as one bounty hunter that no one wants to be the target of."

ABILITIES:

Superhuman strength, speed, and durability
Regenerative healing factor
-Can regenerate from a single drop of blood.
Immortality
-Was banished from both Heaven AND Hell.
Genius-level intellect
-Knows over 400 different languages.
-Shocking, I know.

Jack: "Part of the reason being that fighting back against Lobo is considered to be a biiiig mistake... You see, Lobo... technically can't die. Once, he actually did die and his soul was sent to Hell... But not even HELL wanted to put up with him and they sent him to Heaven instead."

Razor: "But he was way too rowdy there too, so they just said 'Screw it, let's make the guy immortal'. And so they did. But on top of that Lobo has a healing factor that would put the combined healing factors of Wolverine and Deadpool to SHAME. He can regenerate limbs in seconds, and it's implied he could even heal right back up from a single drop of blood in just a few minutes!"

ARSENAL

The BFG (Big Fraggin' Gun)
-As well as a backup gun.
-And a backup backup gun.
Knives
Frag Grenades
Shotguns
Knuckledusters
Hook and Chain
Exploding Cigar

Jack: "Like any good bounty hunter ought to be, Lobo comes packing with a large amount of weapons, including giant guns, a big knife (and multiple smaller knives), grenades, a hook and chain, and apparently an exploding cigar on top of that."

Razor: "This guy is like if Michael Bay and Gene Simmons had a steroids-induced baby."

FEATS:

Was able to subdue Superman with simply brute strength.
Held his own against numerous Green Lanterns at once.
Killed Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny... no, seriously.
Survived driving through a black hole.
Took on numerous deities at once and slayed them all.
Accidentally destroyed a solar system while fighting the Mask (non-canon).

Razor: "Lobo is tough enough to hold his own against Superman and a bunch of Green Lanterns at once, he's driven straight through a black hole and survived just to get to the nearest bar, and he even... killed Santa Claus!?"



Razor: "Damn... Um... Merry Christmas, everybody...!"

WEAKNESSES:

Arrogant to a fault.
Womanizer.
While difficult to kill, can still be incapacitated.
New 52.

Jack: "But with all of that said, Lobo may be impossible to kill, but he's not invincible either. He's smug and often doesn't think when it comes to most situations, preferring to just go for the 'murder you in the most violent way possible' approach."

Razor: "Whatever works. And for him, it does work."

Jack: "That, and while his healing factor works incredibly fast, he's not above being incapacitated."

Razor: "Still, if you want to try crossing paths with the main man... then you're a braver man than I, my friend."

(Lobo: "Hey, blue. Thanks." (Punches Superman)
Superman: "What was that for!?"
Lobo: "Didn't want ya to think I was goin' soft.")

STAY TUNED FOR THE FIGHT AND RESULTS!

Razor: "Hey, we should do Mrs. Tutterberry vs. Jeanne!"

Jack: "What did that sweet old lady ever do to you?"

Razor: "She knows what she did..."

Jack: "...Yeah, BUT I DON'T!"